From Yesterday

you stood before me, your eyes glittering through the hair hanging over them. the expression you wore was one of curiosity whereas mine was undoubtedly one of pain and misery brought on by the ever-present butterflies and the reality of what i was doing.
a cloud of thoughts shrouded my mind. the saliva in my mouth felt as thick as the lump in my throat. the second i would allow the words i was holding on the tip of my tongue to spill out, i would cry.
several of the thoughts leaping through my mind told me that this was going to be disastrous. others asked if i even knew what i was doing.
"yes," i whispered, answering the question on my mind and the other one you probably had tingling on your lips. "i know," i started again, "that i have never been good enough for you."
i choked the words out and my eyes dampened. you simply blinked. "i know i'm not your idea of pretty or perfect. that i'm not talented, outgoing, or confident. i know that i'm nothing like her."
tears spilled from my grey eyes. you stared- not really at me, but through me rather. your face was void of emotion, your beautiful face blank. i took a deep breath, willed the tears away, and flicked my bangs out of my eyes. i focused on my hands and tried to avoid looking at your careless face at all costs.
another deep breath. another sob. tears still crawled down my chubby cheeks.
"dammit," i breathed and closed my eyes. it was easier to pretend i was alone even though i could feel your closeness. i shook my head and continued. "i know it has never been enough just to love you. its never been enough to apologize and make things okay even when i was right, though it never occurred to you. it was never enough to try and make you happy. to try to get your attention and hold it in the palm of my hand for a while, even a short while. i was never enough for you."
i risked a glance. you were staring past me. as always. never at me, always past me, over me. never noticing me. i looked behind me, already knowing what i'd find.
"of course," i shouted, looking back at you. your eyes flicked toward me for a second and then back at her. "i've always been second to her," i said quietly, though something told me you weren't listening now that she was here, if you were even listening before. "i'm not sure if i was even second. i love you. i love you so much it hurts, but you can't even see me! i'm so invisible to you!" i was crying uncontrollably. my lungs were screaming for the air that i couldn't breathe in past my tears. you only blinked, still looking at her. "i give up," i said when i finally gasped in a breath of air. "i'm finally giving up on trying to get you to notice me over her and her perfection. i'm giving up on you too because we're obviously not meant to be," i finished and your stepped toward her.

i hate my dreams. my subconscious knows exactly what would hurt me and twists it around and makes my mind full of horrible pictures.
i don't love you, but apparently my subconscious does. and apparently, it likes to add background music.
from that dream?