Dreaming.

I'm dreaming about sad things again.
Not just scary or fun.
Not even thought inducing or a sign.
They're coming in flashes.
Bits and pieces.
Not jammed together or connected.
Barely even related.
I hate them.

*
crying.
i can feel the tears streaming.
you're dead.
blood on my hands.
*
your eyes are sparkling in the lighting.
your smooth skin is streaked.
i know its my fault.
i can tell by the knot in my stomach.
*
my parents are screaming.
i hate you's are flying.
fists are colliding with skin.
my skin.
i can feel my bones crunching.
they're beating me.
i've done something wrong.
*
i can't breathe.
there's no air here.
no light either.
its totally dark.
i'm choking on the carbon dioxide trapped inside me.
i'm dying.
i'm praying that it happens quickly.
*
i hadn't seen you for a while.
you look different.
your face is shaved.
your eyes are younger, happy.
skin smooth over your bones.
you look beautiful.
you're yelling too.
your mouth moving rapidly.
telling me i wasn't there.
telling me i didn't say good-bye.
"i was there!" i'm screaming.
and screaming.
and screaming.
you're not listening.
you can't hear me.
you're too far gone to hear me...
*
blonde hair.
i'm holding long dirty blonde hair between my fingers.
freshly cut.
the ends are sharp.
there are scissors in my hands.
i can feel air on my neck.
my hair is destroyed.
cut.
gone.
"your mother will be mad," you're saying.
"she'll be very upset with you," you keep repeating.
"I can't believe i just did that," i'm muttering, letting the strands fall from hands.
*
your holding bobby gene.
his red ear is in clutched between your small fingers.
you're wearing a devilish grin.
i'm crying again.
i can feel it.
i'm looking around for something to stop you.
a bitchika type nose reaches my ears.
you're holding a lighter.
flame is licking at my bears feet.
you're burning him.
the most precious thing to me.
you're burning him.

that's pretty much from the past few days.
since i dreamt i was yelling at that one person...
i'm losing my mind.
i might be dreaming these things because i lost bobby gene...